My Blogs - What else are they supposed to be?

2011-11-26T14:08:00.001-05:00

लगता है मेरी चाहत मर चुकी है....

पेहले थी जहा क्यारी सी बिछुदने के दुखो ki ,
वहा बस एक कलि सी टीस घर कर चुकी है..
लगता है मेरी चाहत मर चुकी है....
तुम खुश हो.. क्या तुम भी खुश हो...
सवालू की ये लडि मेरी अपनी खुषिया बेअसर कर चुकी है...
लगता है मेरी चाहत मर चुकी है....

a scientist friend..

2009-07-27T00:10:00.005-04:00

आज देखो हम फ़िर खड़े ,
जहाँ दिवंगत स्मिरितियों का स्मारक,
और आज फिर यह खेल चले,
तू कर्ता तो मैं कर्म कारक,
सृजन कर्ता पिरोता था जब तेरे मेरे ही अनु,
मनन तेरा, मनन मेरा, संबंधो का बस यह धारक,
अलग सी कोख से तू भी हँसा, मैं भी दिखा,
और आज जल रहे अलग अलग चिता पर,
तू भी विचारक, मैं भी विचारक॥

- आभास

question

2009-05-04T23:22:00.001-04:00

मैं ख़ुद से क्यूं पूछू की कौन हूँ मैं ॥
जवाब मिलता भी तो शायद उसे न पाने की आरजू होती ...!!

The flute..

2009-04-28T00:50:00.003-04:00

Random thoughts for the last hole of a flute....

छन से छनक जाती पायल का संदेस तो नही॥
नयनो से छलकते अश्रु का संवेद तो नही॥
भोर से किसी पग पर छलका कोई राग तो नही॥
मैत्री के किसी वादे का कोई भाग तो नही॥
कर्म पथ का कोई मुश्किल पाठ तो नही॥
हर्षित ह्रदय पर पड़ी कोई गाँठ तो नही॥
गुजरती हुई हर साँस का कोई भेद तो नही॥
कही तुम उस बांसुरी का आखरी छेद तो नही॥

sometimes i quote....

2007-12-15T01:27:00.000-05:00

I count the number of steps when I first go up a staircase. Helps me ensure the next time, that the last step is always the right step.

- Abhas.

ekaant..

2007-10-25T01:53:00.000-04:00

वोही मैं और वोही शुन्य,

मन फ़िर भी आक्रांत सा क्यूं है,

देती गुजरती हर घड़ी मातृत्व के कई वादे,

फिर भी बाल-मन अशांत सा क्यूं है,

धुरी पर घूमती इस धरती पर,

जीवन पथ में यह दिशांत सा क्यूं है,

साक्षी असीम सुख के यह अगणित तारे,

कलरव यह चिडियों का असम्भ्रांत सा क्यूं है,

देखेंगे जीवन डगर पर कई मेले और भी,

जाने आज एक एकांत सा क्यूं है!

- आभास

तुम...

2007-10-13T00:08:00.000-04:00

शायद तुम कांटा कोई,
शायद तुम हो कोई कंकड,
शायद तुम तमाचा कोई,
रखा वक्त ने जिसको जडकर,
शायद तुम शोर दुनिया का,
बेहरा करता कानों को,
शायद कम्पन धरती का तुम,
उजाड्ता जीवन स्थानो को.

हाँ यही सब हो तुम.

जाना प्रेम चुभन को तुमसे,
कंकड तुम वो गिरकर,
दिया जीवन जिसने झील स्थिर को,
तमाचा तुम वक्त का,
एहसास कर्तव्य का दिलाता है,
शोर हो तुम उस दुनिया का,
जहाँ गूंज उल्लास बस आता है.

बन जाओ अब शिव तुम मेरे,
अमृत मन्थन कर दो जीवन विष से,
की फिर नवीन का शोर हो,
तपती हो जहाँ धरा,
बन जाओ मेरे ब्रह्मा,
रचा दो एक स्वर्ग नया.

और मांगू फिर तुमसे,
बस एक आखिरी कम्पन,
की उजाड दो इन मकानो को,
देख कर तुम्हें फिर मैं,
शायद फिर,
जीवन का आभास पा सकूं!

~ आभास

driving in delhi with her... in my thoughts :-)

2007-09-21T18:23:00.000-04:00

आज फिर वोही दिन है..

वो घूमने निकलना एक सर्दी की दोपहर,
रुक जाना घूमते हुए किन्ही चौराहों पर,
मन्दिर को देख तुमको मांग लेना चुपके से,
और तुम्हें देख बस मुस्करा देना..

खामोश रहना और तुमसे कहना की कुछ कहो,
और तुम्हारा कहना की आज सुनने का मन है,
बस उस गर्म सी हवा की होती थी सरसराहट,
तोड़ती हमारी चुप्पियो को..

दिखती आज फिर वो सड़क जिस पर चले है हम,
और वो तुम्हारा कहना की काश ये दिन ना बीते,
वो शाम का वक्त और रुक जाना किसी जगह,
जा कर तुम्हारे लिए एक चाय की प्याली लाना..

जाने क्यूँ आज फिर वो दिन याद आ गया,
शायद दिल फिर से तुम्हें छूना चाहता होगा,
कह रहा होगा मन से जीने को वो पल,
शायद आज फिर तुम्हारे साथ घूमना चाहता होगा..

कुछ भी तो बातें नही हुई,
पर जीं ली थी जिन्दगी,
और देखो आज फिर खड़े उन दोराहो पर,
मैं और तुम फिर बनके अजनबी..

- आभास

life takes you places

2007-09-20T03:56:00.000-04:00

Had given up updating my blogs recently, and then suddenly a friend came to me, all elated..

"We have got the Permanent Resident Status in Australia. Life would be so good now." And that made me think.

Life really takes you places.

I remember once going to meet Sonu in Laxmangarh, and there I met this friend of mine. Struggling was not easy in the scorching heat of the sun in that remote village, which is now growing to a small town, all due to this girls college so aptly placed there. Aptly for me, for I got some of the most memorable days and friends in this place. So there was my friend, a few years back, all sweating but smiling at the prevailing happiness in the atmosphere then. And now here is my friend, chatting with me sitting in an AC room from Australia, smiling with hints of relief and happiness.

We were teens then when we laughed together, and now all of us have different paths. Paths so different that I doubt seeing them all together again. But wherever I am, and wherever You are, I wish you happiness. May the Force be with you for Life really takes you places.

the unseen.......

2007-06-08T22:13:00.000-04:00

हर रात तेरा चेहरा एक ख्वाब सा दिखता है,
हर धड्कन तेरे कदमों की आहट गिनती है,
सवाल तो नही तु कि लाजवाब हो सके,
खुबसूरती तेरी फिर भी एक पहेली सी जलती है,
हो रात तु, या हो दिन का कोई पल, हो सुबह,
या हो शाम जो रफ़्ता-रफ़्ता ढलती है,
हो कुछ भी तु, इस काफ़िर का तो इतना कहना है,
तेरे आने से दिल में खुदा की लौ जलती है...

meeting you again..

2007-05-27T02:20:00.000-04:00

देखता हूं देखनें को मैं दुनिया के रन्ग सारे,
पर बनाने वाला हर मसीहा नादान लगता हैं,
ठीक चलती हैं सांसें फिर भी,
जाने मन क्यों बेजान लगता हैं,
एक ही कतार में चलते दिखते सब फिर भी,
दिशाहीन जाने क्यों हर इन्सान लगता हैं,
सजा लिये हैं नये काफ़िले तुमने भी मैंने भी लेकिन,
तुमसे मिलकर आज फिर हर जहाँ सुनसान लगता हैं..

For my return to home

2007-05-17T01:19:00.000-04:00

It is always in the nostalgic lane, the train to my home before Diwali.
Every corner of this hustling city, I see people bursting crackers. Most of them are the street goers, the elite are usually on their way to their home. But for each of these people, a feeling is shared. And that is this expression of joy on their face. I always used to wonder standing aloof; believe me I still do; as what makes all these people happy. A festival of lights, no not that! The triumph of truth over evil! No not that too!
And with this confusion, I begin my trip back home.
The engine has already whistled, before I could put a brake to my thoughts. And they start flowing again. This time with the speed of the train! Every street of the passing city is so illuminated with the joy of the numerous lights hanging there. It is very funny what they call these lights; the series of electric bulbs; it is called a "ladi" back at my place.

It is very beautiful in the night, I must say!
The train passes through the beauties of all nature. Some factories, some fields, some not so big rivers. But all these seem to be very smoothly illuminated by an absent moon. Not that I never see them on other days! But just on the Diwali trip, it seems as if the "diyas" have flown far off some place from heaven. Far enough to give them such a soothing light. It is not a distant journey. A matter of five and half hours, and I intersect the course of the Chambal.

It is the break of some odd 0400 hours that I see the Chambal. And funnily enough, I get the feeling. Yes! This is where I belong, the city of my childhood. The city is all asleep when I make it through the roads to the most distant of all places. It rightly is the most distant of all places, my home! Because even before I reach there, I had already met my friends, my most special ones, the book store keeper, the pan shop-keeper. Every one of them, so much not there, but still become so much there for me.

It is a beautiful colony where we live.
I reach my place. My father has already left to play tennis by that time. It is one routine I never saw him breaking since my early childhood! And my mother hugs me with all the might of her love. It has been seven years since I left for Delhi. But I never found that hug going weaker in might. A hug so peaceful, and yet so homely!

I still am confused, as to why the people I saw last night were happy. As to why everything in nature seemed so happy. But I know the reason to my happiness; Diwali always gives me a trip back home!

Wish the same for you!

- Abhas.

shravya for the knowledgible...

2007-04-11T04:02:00.000-04:00

कुछ ढूंढती तनहाई, चुप से ये होंठये कहते नही, पर सबकुछ बता देतें हैं।
इन सीप सी आंखों मे तैरते दो मोती,दिल के बेताब समंदर का पता देतें है।
यूं सूखी बातों मे, मकसद नही बसगहराई लगती है अनंत कोसों की।
मुसकान, ठंडे पत्ते पर, सलौनीसुबह बैठी, लगती हैं, ओसों सी।
चुलबुली तितली हो, हो जाओ मुक्त, रहो अदभुत, तरंगित, तुम भव्या।
स्वतंत्र भरो उडान, बंधनो से दूरदूर बहुत गगन मे, सुंदर, तुम श्रव्या।

my friends....

2007-02-27T03:07:00.000-05:00

भले की उम्मीद हो, वही बुराई का एह्सास दिला लेतॆ हैं...
दोस्तो के रन्ग भी अजब हैं, सहुलियत से मजाक बना लेते हैं!!

~ आभास

standing on a sea beach....

2007-02-01T01:14:00.000-05:00

उन दरख्तों से उस रेत तक, कुछ सायों की परछाइयां हैं...
मैं तन्हा सही इस मौज में लेकिन.... मेरे साथ मेरी रुसवाईयां हैं!!

~ आभास

Nithari...

2007-01-06T02:21:00.000-05:00

"Nithari se ek aur uth gaya hai, jeep wahi le chalte hain...."

It was a good lovely night on the first floor of ST Microelectronics in Noida. With only me and Baba in the office; the way he worked intently; while I enjoyed good old Hemant Kumar melodies, the thoughts of the remaining whiskey, waiting to be freed from the bottle kept back at my place; it seemed to me that the phone was ringing at a distance.

At around 1.30 in the night. Not unusual for me, and I showed no haste in picking it up. But the voice that followed knew no patience!! "Come up fast yaar.. Me and my sister were returning from the PVR after the late night show, we were stopped near the Noida bridge, and there is this cop who wants my sister to sit in his jeep, and wants me to follow in our auto-richshaw!"

Shit! I knew what it meant to leave a girl alone at these hours of the night. PCR jeep or the van with tinted glasses, sound equal in those hours of the night in Noida. And with few incidences that were happening every now and then, were not supporting the cause of keeping a peaceful mind.

It seems to be Baba's favourite slang, for he uses it for all expressions of joy,anger, frustration, cheer, "Bhosdi-wale...", and we were off towards the bridge to help my friends. The sub-inspector literally perfuming the atmosphere with the fragrance of the local wine, was in no moods of human manners, and definitely was in no moods to let this catch go easily off. It took lots of convincing, mentioning some big names, sometimes even firing back at them, but Baba finally convinced the policemen to let my friend go away with his sister.

And it was when the auto set off, and the policemen done with his duty of law-enforcement, I heard his sub-ordinate speak from inside the jeep ""Nithari se ek aur uth gaya hai, jeep wahi le chalte hain.."

sarcasm..

2006-12-20T04:53:00.000-05:00

It takes love to look beyond sarcasm, that people pounce on opportunities to bless you with.
One of my friends told me that I don't understand sarcasm easily. :-)

some talks of silence..

2006-12-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

...

शब्दों से परे मौन की दुनिय़ा है शायद, वक्त बिताने मेरे साथ आज वो आया होगा..
बैठा हूं साथ उसके चुप्पियों में, उसकी धडकन में मेरा माज़ी मेरा साया होगा!

the day she was getting married..

2006-11-25T03:11:00.000-05:00

क्या तुम और क्या मैं, जैसे एक नदी के धारे,
तुम अपनी मौजो में चन्चल, मेरे अपने अलग किनारे!

आज तुम हर मित्र का कलरव, और मैं हूं शान्त गीत कोई,
आज तुम जैसे नवयुवती का आलिन्गन, मैं इक रूठी प्रीत कोई!

आज तुम कल्पित किसी ज्योतिर्विद की, मैं जीवन स्थैतिक सच्चाई हूं,
आज तुम यञपवित ज्योति सी पावन, मैं तम सागर गहराई हूं।

हे प्रेयसी, हाथो से अपने, तेरी डोली आज सजाता हूं,
"भूल जाओ तुम फिर से मुझको", ये मन्त्र फिर दोहराता हूं।

सात फेरो के कदमो से, तुम कुचल दो उन सपनॊ को,
जिन में विस्मित मन से था देखा, अ-जन्मे कई अपनो को।

क्या तुम प्रेयसी अब भी मुझसे, समीप रहना चाहोगी,
क्या अब भी संग मेरे जीवन की हर रस्मों-रीत निभाओगी।

क्या तुम और क्या मैं अब, जैसे एक नदी के धारे,
तुम अपनी मौजो में चन्चल, मेरे अपने अलग किनारे!

~आभास!

शायद ऐसे ही..

2006-11-25T00:50:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes all we have in our hands is the shadow.. And sometimes the nothing we lose is the actual person!"
~abhas.

sleepy man :-)

2006-11-15T05:55:00.000-05:00

हे मेरे सारथी, मुझे ले चलो जीवन पार उस रण-क्षेत्र में, जहां शस्त्रो का कोई मकसद ना हो..
हे पार्थ, अपने किसी शत्रु का लक्ष्य बना मुझे अपने गांडीव से अब तो तुम मुक्त कर दो..
हे स्रुष्टी, अब तो मुझे कर दो सभी आग्रहो व आकान्शाओ से मुक्त..
कही शायद सुबह होने का आभास हुआ हैं..
तुम्हारे साथ हे रात्रि प्रहरी मॆं भी सोना चाहता हूं..

the guerrilla warfare

2006-11-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

America is the lands of guerrillas. And I had the insight to this while psuedo-touring the wineries around the great lakes around Ithaca. Big companies definitely dominate the news here, but small companies dominate the market for sure. I remember asking Debjeet once about the market of vegetables in Ithaca, and his insightful comment as to how the locals dominated the market there too!

One of the most common strategy of the guerrilla is to reduce the size of the battleground to gain superiority of the force. Is that what Mr. Jethmalani tried to do, with his outrageous attacks on the media too! He is an intellegent man, I must say. And he realizes that the battleground to fight is the court, and not the public opinion as far as conviction in case shall be concerned. It seems to me that he is using all the three elements of ambush, dissimulation and sabotage to full benifits to stregthen his case.

Ambush, for he hides behind the name "Jethmalani" when he openly accuses the press. His charges for creating "images" of the accused in public opinion might not be taken lightly. People, in this case the judiciary, has to believe that the press did "create" a public notion against Manu Sharma, thus diluting and winning the first round of negotiations with the bench sitting with the pen.

Dissimulation; this I think will be the real game which he shall play for the failure of our beloved police system. The ping-pong ball has already had a bad time, whether it was playing with tampered evidences, or with "forcing" people to make statements. Half truths cannot be belived and it will be simple for a man of his stature to make the authorities believe so.

The above two might work well for the benifit of the lawyer for sure, but the third strategy is benind my comprehension. It might as well mean the policy of workplace sabotage, the great dilemma for the supporters of trade unions. Trying to brand the press as the failing machinery here is the final blow that he could have given. Though assuming all the moral responsibility that a lawyer should hold, he openly rubbishes the fact of any social responsibility in the case.

Well I do not want to discuss if the lawyer is right or wrong here. But he definitely is a good entreprenuer for sure. At least he knows how to make good use of the guirrellas.

an explanation

2006-11-06T00:21:00.000-05:00

the "mother" in my blog signifies certain people in my life.
and does not refer to my biological mother.
am sorry to readers for whom the word "mother" causes confusion!
sorry for that :-)

newton versus brahmagupta

2006-10-30T01:38:00.000-05:00

in the words of "baba", the difference between a scientist and a rishi comes by understading the difference between "knowing" and "learning".

there had been many mathematician in the west trying to solve the intricacies of many different equations, and there was brahmagupta, just saying "chalit kalit vargo vivechika", the roots of the quadratic equations.

readers, please do not jump to the conclusion trying my effort as the defining grounds between "knowing" and "learning". it is another thing that i wanted to point out here.

for me it is not the fight between the east of know all and/or the west of learn all,
but it is the sweet confluence of the two.. and the joint lesson for me says..
"you should know that you need to learn, and you should learn what you need to know."

baba does the magic again!

the transition from professional to academic life

2006-10-29T23:37:00.000-05:00

I think this person likes me, the person named God. he has given me many, and still keeps on giving many good experiences to me with time. and one such was this recent transition of mine. the transition from professional to academic life, as opposed to the many others from student to professional life.

the design of the timing analyzer interface (details of which i shall avoid for the benifit of my readers) has been one of the best experiences of my life. and i hope neither me, nor jogi ji will ever forget the endless up-downs i used to make between the ground floor of synthesis and the first floor of the timing analysis. and i am really thankful to mahendra khalsa for at least proving my efforts fruitful in the end.

funnily to fulfill my desire of pro-activeness, i did take many parts of the timing analyzer in my own hands. and i really used to get surprised seeing the managerial delays in the project. and then i made the biggest mistake of my career, trying the side-development of the prototype analyzer by myself. i was working double, that meant double the work and half the results in ST-FPGA. a particulary bad decision; that was always suggested by Jogi's smile when i reported him the delays at the interface :)

i was about to lose it, and just when i was about to loose it, our very own baba came to my rescue. he gave me the lesson that i have always kept by my side, ever since then. and that is the beauty of baba too, he will say things so simply, that they go through your head. "you don't work by yourself, and you wait for people to ask you to do it". soon i found myself doing all the things falling in place, and the really ironic part came when i was assigned the job of timing optimization by none other than jogi ji again. he will smile when he reads it, because he knows that i was bad at it :)

but things are changing now, and though no one says it. but i can see the expectations of pro-activeness again

what has happened to me?

2006-10-28T04:18:00.000-04:00

always known as the absent minded professor, i had already earned the reputation of being uninformed of most of the things in my office. things which included my salary slips, my locker and car keys, my insurance papers.
but it was a time when i really used to enjoy my absent mindedness. it would be fun reaching the desk in office and suddenly saying to myself "shit!! i did not bring the pen-drive along with me." and i would then treat myself to a leisurely walk from the desk to the parking lot for my lovely "zen", and then an expression again "shit!! left the car keys at the desk!!"
it is not age for sure that has been getting on to me. but is it then THE Cornell pressure!! hope not, simply because i am not taking any!! :)
my friends are really concerned, and now am getting irritated too at this absent minded attitude of mine too!!
hope to get rid of it soon!! need some major re-organization in my life.

remembering names for bhabhi

2006-10-19T01:50:00.000-04:00

चमकते हुए उस कपाल पर, देखी मैंने एक स्मित लकीर,
मन हर्षित हुआ जैसे, किसना को देखे कोई फ़कीर।
आभास हुआ जैसे मित्र मेरे, तुम बात खुदी से करते थे,
मुग्ध मन से जब मुझे सुनाते, अपने बचपन के चर्चे थे।
तब देखा मैंने तुमको कभी-कभी, फिर गिरते गहराई में,
जैसे "फिर" सोये थे कुछ पल तुम, अपने दुख की परछाई में।
फिर क्षितिज पर तैर तुम, सुर्य नवीन से उदित हुए,
हठ करते इस बाल-राम से जैसे, इश्वर फिर हर्षित हुए।
आशिष हैं मेरा हंसो सदा तुम, यूं जीवन आगामी में,
जैसे खेले सुर से कोई, मधुर जीवन रागिनी में।
- आभास

पं. नरेन्द्र शर्मा

2006-10-18T03:14:00.000-04:00

आह! अन्तिम रात वह,
बैठी रहीं तुम पास मेरे,
शीश कांधे पर धरे,
घन कुन्तलों से गात घेरे,
क्षीण स्वर में कहा था,
"अब कब मिलेंगे ?"

आज के बिछुड़े न जाने कब मिलेंगे ?
"कब मिलेंगे", पूछ्ता मैं, विश्व से जब विरह कातर,
"कब मिलेंगे", गूँजते प्रतिध्वनिनिनादित व्योम सागर,
"कब मिलेंगे", प्रश्न उत्तर "कब मिलेंगे"!
आज के बिछुड़े न जाने कब मिलेंगे?

a good day

2006-10-15T16:11:00.000-04:00

कहीं तो होगा किसी वसुन्धरा के आंचल से खेलता, मन मेरा किसी बादल को देखता हुआ..
पुछ्ता जनक से इस अन्जान स्रुष्टी के अनन्त रहस्य.. फिर बढ जाता ब्राह्मण बने किसी और ठौर की और..
कोई तो होगा जो उसे वापस बुला सके.. की शायद अब गौण सम्पूर्ण हो चला हैं...

2006-10-09T22:01:00.000-04:00

i have been like this since my childhood. and i still remember the heartahce i had when one of my dear friend's father got transfered from kota. i have not seen, neither met that friend since and i do not know if i will ever find him again in the more of this world. especially losing hopes after repeated failures of the technology gurus of google, orkut, linked-in in these ends.

they say that small incidence make great impact, and it did to me too. don't know if it was similar incidences like above,or if it was inherent in me, but i always was really worried of losing touch with my dear friends. time runs fast; and it is smart enough for cutting threads of moments between friends to run fast. the thought always makes me smile, the burglar knows how to steal moments from others to add to the ticks of its own self.

days have past, and i am finding myself getting more and more engrossed in the business of the hectic class schedules, and the beauty of ithaca that needs ages to capture! and as i am getting more "busy" i can sense the "losing touch" factor coming into play again.some people complain that i am not keeping in touch. and i pass the complaint to some!

for the ones who are not keeping in touch, this becomes tricky :)
all i can advise them is to remember that technology will never be all-encompassing, for the universe shall always have corners undiscovered.
and for the ones who complain that i am not keeping in touch,
believe me that i believe in what i wrote!!

..
हाथ छुठे भी तो रिश्ते नहीं छोडा करते
the line of a hindi ghazal that i always used to believe since i understood the meaning of this line!

Invicticus - William Ernest Henley

2006-10-09T21:48:00.000-04:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from Pole to Pole,
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud,
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It mattes not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the Master of my fate:
I am the Captain of my soul.

manish..

2006-09-29T20:29:00.000-04:00

it was a good day for me again.. i like meeting this person "manish" time and again.. somehow it feels good to have someone to call upon, specifically when you hate to have your lunch alone..
"food".. a rare commodity i must say.. won't recall the people i have seen in noida, starving for food..

it was happy moments that i learned that i would be coming to cornell and so did i come.. there has always been this resolve that has been inside me.. never to leave any of my responsibilities unattended to the starving and needy of india.. donating 30thousand for the treatment of a terminally ill girl has never made me proud exactly.. feel like all others trying to run from responsibility by donating a few bucks..

the girl was ill because of malnutrition.. rather undernutrition.. and it was with an under-financed and under-resourced organization, that she was trying to fight her undernutrition..

i have seen many cracked faces, many dried up eyes.. but remembering the face and eyes of that little soul still makes me realize the lies i have been living my through my life.. the lies of being good, of being able to be good to people.. the lie of being helpful, of being able to be helpful to people..

but the girl gave me my freedom yesterday.. she had died a couple of days back.. and yesterday i recieved emails from my friends back asking for my intent for the leftover money.. i can reclaim the money from them as the cause itself has perished.. or i can leave them a note that i trust them with more human causes for investing my money.. that is a different issue altogether..

it helps sometimes, but definitely NOT always, at being mocked at by friends.. and my friend manish is good at it.. his jokes, unlike many others, don't make you feel insulted.. it helps you out of thoughts..

i started feeling happy for the girl yesterday.. finally she has had the much awaited rest.. i celebrated yesterday for her with my friends.. treated myself to a good Thai Cuisine (if the details really do bother me :) ).. but am really feeling good about it now!!

the first day out of my mother's womb....

2006-09-19T20:59:00.000-04:00

how indifferent attitude of hers, that she had forced me out of her womb today..
today i was reborn to see the world from a new perspective..
time and again the heart urged me to return to her and tell her that i do not like the world without her..
but she has died long past giving birth to the new me..
should i be thankful that she brought me in this new light.. or should i blame her for the mean-ness she has showed to return to her own heaven..
leaving me alone behind.. to grow and fight for God known reasons..
may be she will never know.. may be i will never show.. but i hate her for dying..
and i love her for the loving time that i was there in her womb..